The Rejuvenation of Aunt Mary

“Aunt Mary en fête” (May Robson as “Aunt Mary”) “‘Do not let us play any longer,’ she said. ‘Let us be in earnest’” “‘She’s goin’ to the city all alone!’ Lucinda’s voice suddenly proclaimed behind him” Aunt Mary and Her Escorts “The carriage stopped three hundred feet below the level of a roof-garden” “And now the fun’s all over and the work begins” “‘Yesterday I played poker until I didn’t know a blue chip from a white one’” “Aunt Mary had also had her eyes open”

Chapter One Introducing Aunt Mary

The first time that Jack was threatened with expulsion from college his Aunt Mary was much surprised and decidedly vexed—mainly at the college. His family were less surprised, viewing the young man through a clearer atmosphere than his Aunt Mary ever had, and knowing that he had barely escaped similar experiences earlier in his career by invariably leaving school the day before the board of inquiry convened.

Jack’s preparatory days having been more or less tempestous, his family (Aunt Mary excepted) had expected some sort of after-clap when he entered college. Nevertheless, they had fervently hoped that it would not be quite as bad as this.

Jack’s sister Arethusa was visiting her aunt when the news came. Not because she wanted to, for the old lady was dreadfully deaf and fearfully arbitrary, but because Lucinda had said that she must go to her cousin’s wedding, and the family always had to bow to Lucinda’s mandates. Lucinda was Aunt Mary’s maid, but she had become so indispensable as a sitter at the off-end of the latter’s ear-trumpet that none of the grand-nephews or grand-nieces ever thought for an instant of crossing one of her wishes. So it was to Arethusa that the explanations due Aunt Mary’s interest in her scapegrace fell, and she bowed her back to the burden with the resignation which the circumstances demanded.

“Whatever is the difference between bein’ expelled and bein’ suspended?” Aunt Mary demanded, in her tone of imperious impatience. “Well, why don’t you answer? I was brought up to speak when you’re spoken to, an’ I’m a great believer in livin’ up to your bringin’ up—if you had a good one. What’s the difference, an’ which costs most? That’s what I want to know. I do wish you’d answer me, Arethusa; there’s two things I’ve asked you now, an’ you suckin’ your finger an’ puttin’ on your thimble as if you were sittin’ alone in China.”

“I don’t know which costs most,” Arethusa shrieked.

“You needn’t scream so,” said Aunt Mary. “I ain’t so hard to hear as you think. I ain’t but seventy, and I’ll beg you to remember that, Arethusa. Besides, I don’t want to hear you talk. I just want to hear about Jack. I’m askin’ about his bein’ expelled and suspended, an’ what’s the difference, an’ in particular if there’s anything to pay for broken glass. It’s always broken glass! That boy’s bills for broken glass have been somethin’ just awful these last two years. Well, why don’t you answer?”

“I don’t know what to answer,” Arethusa screamed.

“What do you suppose he’s done, anyhow?”

“Something bad.”

Aunt Mary frowned.

“I ain’t mad,” she said sharply. “What made you think I was mad? I ain’t mad at all! I’m just askin’ what’s the difference between bein’ expelled an’ bein’ suspended, an’ it seems to me this is the third time I’ve asked it. Seems to me it is.”

Arethusa laid down her work, drew a mighty breath, very nearly got into the ear-trumpet, and explained that being suspended was infinitely less heinous than being expelled, and decidedly less final.

Aunt Mary looked relieved.