Comic History of the United States

Facts in a nude state are not liable criminally, any more than bright and beautiful children commit a felony by being born thus; but it is the solemn duty of those having these children in charge to put appropriate, healthful, and even attractive apparel upon them at the earliest possible moment.

It is thus with facts. They are the frame-work of history, not the drapery. They are like the cold, hard, dishevelled, damp, and uncomfortable body under the knife of the demonstrator, not the bright and bounding boy, clothed in graceful garments and filled to every tingling capillary with a soul.

We, each of us, the artist and the author, respect facts. We have never, either of us, said an unkind word regarding facts. But we believe that they should not be placed before the public exactly as they were born. We want to see them embellished and beautified. That is why this history is written.

Certain facts have come into the possession of the artist and author of this book regarding the history of the Republic down to the present day. We find, upon looking over the records and documents on file in the various archives of state and nation, that they are absolutely beyond question, and it is our object to give these truthfully. These rough and untidy, but impregnable truths, dressed in the sweet persuasive language of the author, and fluted, embossed, embroidered, and embellished by the skilful hand of the artist, are now before you.

History is but the record of the public and official acts of human beings. It is our object, therefore, to humanize our history and deal with people past and present; people who ate and possibly drank; people who were born, flourished, and died; not grave tragedians, posing perpetually for their photographs.

If we succeed in this way, and administer historical truth in the smooth capsule of the cartoonist and the commentator, we are content. If not, we know whose fault it will be, but will not get mad and swear about it.

BILL NYE.

FRED'K B. OPPER.

* * * * *

[Illustration: BILL NYE'S FIELD OF HISTORIC RESEARCH.]

CHAPTER I. PAGE

THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA 13

CHAPTER II.

OTHER DISCOVERIES--WET AND DRY 23

CHAPTER III.

THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES 36

CHAPTER IV.

THE PLYMOUTH COLONY 47

CHAPTER V.

DRAWBACKS OF BEING A COLONIST 55

CHAPTER VI.

THE EPISODE OF THE CHARTER OAK 62

CHAPTER VII.

THE DISCOVERY OF NEW YORK 72

CHAPTER VIII.

THE DUTCH AT NEW AMSTERDAM 82

CHAPTER IX.

SETTLEMENT OF THE MIDDLE STATES 92

CHAPTER X.

THE EARLY ARISTOCRACY 102

CHAPTER XI.

INTERCOLONIAL AND INDIAN WARS 110

CHAPTER XII.

PERSONALITY OF WASHINGTON 124

CHAPTER XIII.

CONTRASTS WITH THE PRESENT DAY 131

CHAPTER XIV.

THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR 142

CHAPTER XV.

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, LL.D., PHG, F.R.S., ETC. 152

CHAPTER XVI.

THE CRITICAL PERIOD 160

CHAPTER XVII.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END 170

CHAPTER XVIII. PAGE

THE CLOSE OF THE REVOLUTION 181

CHAPTER XIX.

THE FIRST PRESIDENT 191

CHAPTER XX.

THE WAR WITH CANADA 203

CHAPTER XXI.

THE ADVANCE OF THE REPUBLIC 212

CHAPTER XXII.

MORE DIFFICULTIES STRAIGHTENED OUT 222

CHAPTER XXIII.

THE WEBSTERS 233

CHAPTER XXIV.

BEFO' THE WAH--CAUSES WHICH LED TO IT--MASTERLY GRASP OF THE SUBJECT SHOWN BY THE AUTHOR 243

CHAPTER XXV.

BULL RUN AND OTHER BATTLES 252

CHAPTER XXVI.

SOME MORE FRATRICIDAL STRIFE 263

CHAPTER XXVII.

STILL MORE FRATERNAL BLOODSHED, ON PRINCIPLE--OUTING FEATURES DISAPPEAR, AND GIVE PLACE TO STRAINED RELATIONS BETWEEN COMBATANTS, WHO BEGIN TO MIX THINGS 274

CHAPTER XXVIII.

LAST YEAR OF THE DISAGREEABLE WAR 284

CHAPTER XXIX.

TOO MUCH LIBERTY IN PLACES AND NOT ENOUGH ELSEWHERE.--THOUGHTS ON THE LATE WAR--WHO IS THE BIGGER ASS, THE MAN WHO WILL NOT FORGIVE AND FORGET, OR THE MAWKISH AND MOIST EYED SNIVELLER WHO WANTS TO DO THAT ALL THE TIME? 297

CHAPTER XXX.