An eye for the ladies

_You're a detective and you have an assignment to find a client's wife. This good-time gal has found herself a nicer body and is masquerading as some other fellow's wife. So how can you find her? Simple. You get into one male body after another and become a different girl's husband each night. And you're determined to find her even if you have to be every woman's husband to do it! A dull assignment? If you think so, read--_

AN EYE FOR THE LADIES

By DARIUS JOHN GRANGER

[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Fantastic October 1956. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]

He was a plump fellow in about the approximate dimensions of a penguin, and as stiffly dressed. Since I'd been an insurance investigator last week but had become a private detective this, and since he was my first potential case, I was needless to say interested.

"It's my wife," he said.

"Your wife," I repeated, searching for but not finding some of the sharp P.I. dialogue I'd read in the books by Chandler, Evans, Marlowe and others.

"You see, we're tourists from another planet. My name is Xlptl."

I just sat there.

"Mrs. Xlptl is missing."

"Ah," I said, leaning forward. This was something I could understand. Maybe I had heard him wrong about that name.

"Missing how?" I asked.

"Mrs. Xlptl," said my potential client, "failed to re-transmigrate."

"To do which?"

"Re-transmigrate. To get out of her Earth body after touring Earth."

A nut, I thought. Your first case, Brody, and he's a nut. Ah, well, there goes the retainer. But you might as well humor him. "And did you," I said, "ah, get out of your Earth body?"

"Goodness, yes," said Mr. Xlptl promptly, removing his jacket. "You never saw an Earthman without shoulders, did you?"

He wasn't kidding. I gawked until he put the jacket back on. His neck slanted down gradually, widening as it went, to the broad waist. He had no shoulders to speak of. No wonder he looked like a penguin.

"You see," he said in a confidential voice while I continued to gawk, "Mrs. Xlptl thinks she doesn't want to transmigrate back. She thinks she wants to go on being an Earthwoman. Naturally she's wrong. Naturally we ought to go home. Na--"

"Home where?"

"It's a star you can't even see with your biggest telescopes," said Mr. Xlptl, waving his hand deprecatingly. "I want you to find her and bring her back to me. I can make her see the error of her ways and re-transmigrate."

I wondered how you went about finding an un-retransmigrated Mrs. Xlptl, but before I could open my mouth and say something bright, Mr. Xlptl told me: "You see, she disappeared in a busload of honeymooning brides who had been on a quiz program which each week interviews and gives prizes to the half dozen or so prettiest new brides they can find. Now, as the expression goes, the honeymoon is over and each bride has gone home. I have all their addresses. Mrs. Xlptl is hiding in one of their bodies. I'd go and find her myself by transmigrating into the bodies of the respective husbands until I ran across her, but I find an Earth body somewhat uncomfortable and I'm willing to give you fifty dollars a day and expenses for your services if you'll do the job for me, locate her, and bring her back. Is that satisfactory?"